I underestimated the vulgar display in the men's washroom I talked about in the last blog! It was much, much worse than I thought!
The patron (who I can only guess was on crack cocaine or some other illicit substance), "lost his supper" in the urinal instead of the toilet. There was no way to simply flush his sins away after a show like that! The clean up crew was still working on the mess the next day!
What a great start to another shift!
Advice for the Day:
Control your body functions. If you have to get sick, use the toilet, not the urinal. (That, or lay off the crack cocaine before going out to dine in a nice restaurant.)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Save the Porcelain Telephone Calls for Home!
So, you've had a good time. Over the last few hours you have enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine, a little bit of food. Hmmm...you sense that you're not feeling all that well. Perhaps that last glass of wine wasn't such a good idea - you just can't drink like you used too! The wine is hitting you a little more than you can handle - so off you go, to call Jesus on that porcelain telephone. Problem is, you can't quite hit the porcelain, and it goes EVERYWHERE. What do you do?
Well, that is a good question. Isn't it just the question of the night...
Now, I can see that this is quite embarassing for you, since you have made a terrible mess. Wine and spinach spewed everywere. That being said - TELL SOEMONE! You know, like someone who works in the restaurant. You can't just leave that shit on the floor and up the wall for some other diner to stumble upon it. They would "faint dead away"! Grow some balls and tell somebody - so it can get cleaned up. Better yet, why not make at least some attempt to clean up the mess yourself - don't slip away as if nothing happened. Coward!
The poor bastard that had to clean it up practically needed a Hazmat suit! It took him almost a half hour, gasping for air the entire time.
Advice for the Day:
Save the porcelain telephone calls for home!
Try to know your limits, but if you do have to get sick (and it can happen to the best of us), do the right thing and tell somebody who works in the restaurant. Don't ruin another patrons meal.
Well, that is a good question. Isn't it just the question of the night...
Now, I can see that this is quite embarassing for you, since you have made a terrible mess. Wine and spinach spewed everywere. That being said - TELL SOEMONE! You know, like someone who works in the restaurant. You can't just leave that shit on the floor and up the wall for some other diner to stumble upon it. They would "faint dead away"! Grow some balls and tell somebody - so it can get cleaned up. Better yet, why not make at least some attempt to clean up the mess yourself - don't slip away as if nothing happened. Coward!
The poor bastard that had to clean it up practically needed a Hazmat suit! It took him almost a half hour, gasping for air the entire time.
Advice for the Day:
Save the porcelain telephone calls for home!
Try to know your limits, but if you do have to get sick (and it can happen to the best of us), do the right thing and tell somebody who works in the restaurant. Don't ruin another patrons meal.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Delusions of Grandeur
Why is it that when some people call to make a reservation they ask to speak to the owner? Seriously... am I incapable of handling that very complicated task of taking your name, number, special requests, time and date of the reservation? A monkey can do that...you just want to have the Boss handle it...makes you feel special... like you're so important the Boss would want to know! Get a grip! Why don't you get treatment for your Narcissistic Personality Disorder! (Or is it Histrionic Personality Disorder? What the hell do I know, I'm only a waiter!)
Why is it, that when some people call to make a reservation they insist on telling me that they are "friends of the owner". Please! I've worked for the owner for over ten years, and I have no idea who the f--k you are! I can read you like a cheap Harlequin! You are hoping that this so called "connection" garners you a few freebies. You cheap bastard! I'm guessing that when you come in, if you're such good friends, the owner will remember you! I'm quite certain you don't need to point it out! (On the phone...to me...like I give a shit! I do my best to be attentive and cater to your every whim regardless of your relationship to the owner...what more do you want?)
Advice for the Day:
Pick a good restaurant where the staff is trained to treat everyone well - regardless of who you know!
Why is it, that when some people call to make a reservation they insist on telling me that they are "friends of the owner". Please! I've worked for the owner for over ten years, and I have no idea who the f--k you are! I can read you like a cheap Harlequin! You are hoping that this so called "connection" garners you a few freebies. You cheap bastard! I'm guessing that when you come in, if you're such good friends, the owner will remember you! I'm quite certain you don't need to point it out! (On the phone...to me...like I give a shit! I do my best to be attentive and cater to your every whim regardless of your relationship to the owner...what more do you want?)
Advice for the Day:
Pick a good restaurant where the staff is trained to treat everyone well - regardless of who you know!
Rave Review
Okay, Okay...so the last few entries have been a little more rant than rave. Well, tonight I'm going to change all of that.
I am a waiter, and I actually enjoy what I do. (For the most part.) No, I did not decide to become a waiter because there wasn't anything else I was trained to do. (Even though it may look that way sometimes). I stumbled upon it (interesting choice of words), when I couldn't get full time employment in my "profession by education". I actually worked in other professions, I did attend university, and I consider myself fairly well-educated. (Please let me enjoy my own delusions.) The more I worked as a waiter, the better I got, and the more I enjoyed it. I took a Bartending course, read wine articles, participated in wine tastings (ahh, the sacrifices I made for the job), and made it my priority to learn about things which could make the dining experience better for my customers. (I do what I can within reason- I'm not performing Neurosurgery after all). I often receive compliments for my professional and caring service. (Just wanted to add that in so you didn't think I was just some bitter waiter who sucked at the job!)
I have to say, for the most part, I feel very lucky to earn the kind of money I do, while engaging in a very social occupation. My current post is in a little restaurant tucked away in a small city, which draws patrons from all over the globe. We combine great food, warm yet professional service, with "down home" touches. I will say that we are highly regarded, with a loyal clientelle base.
The majority of the patrons at our fine establishment are wonderful, a great mix of of people. We serve everyone from all "walks of life" - professionals, corporate executives, doctors, and local folks. For the most part, our crew receives excellent gratuities, and we come to know many of the patrons on a first name basis. That being said, regardless of the number of positive interactions you have, there is always going to be a pretentious asshole in the crowd, or a difficult patron that sticks in your mind. (Or the just plain stupid ones). There are also always going to be the "cheap tippers" that don't understand the fine balancing act it is to serve multiple tables - especially when we are juggling many roles...Door Greeter, Bartender, Bus Person, Order-taker, Server, Dessert Maker, and all-around Charmer! (You think a Circus Clown does a lot of juggling!)
Ours is a reciprocal relationship. And, yes, we do expect a good gratuity if we have done our job. If you can afford to come out to dinner, you can afford to leave an appropriate tip.
A tip is not a piece of paper you pull out of a fortune cookie!
Remember, if a waiter is burned once, they remember. If they receive a great tip, they also remember. I will tell you, even though we try to treat everyone as special...if you are known as a "good tipper", little extras seem to find the way to your table. It is funny how we remember the little things...your favourite drink, your favourite table, your favourite dessert (or just that you like that little extra dollop of whipped cream on the top!)
At the end of the evening, the "review" goes both ways...your review is the gratuity you leave, and our review is the way we talk about you...the way we remember you!
Advice for the Day:
In the restaurant world, the waiter and patron are in a reciprocal relationship - and the "review" is a two-way street.
I am a waiter, and I actually enjoy what I do. (For the most part.) No, I did not decide to become a waiter because there wasn't anything else I was trained to do. (Even though it may look that way sometimes). I stumbled upon it (interesting choice of words), when I couldn't get full time employment in my "profession by education". I actually worked in other professions, I did attend university, and I consider myself fairly well-educated. (Please let me enjoy my own delusions.) The more I worked as a waiter, the better I got, and the more I enjoyed it. I took a Bartending course, read wine articles, participated in wine tastings (ahh, the sacrifices I made for the job), and made it my priority to learn about things which could make the dining experience better for my customers. (I do what I can within reason- I'm not performing Neurosurgery after all). I often receive compliments for my professional and caring service. (Just wanted to add that in so you didn't think I was just some bitter waiter who sucked at the job!)
I have to say, for the most part, I feel very lucky to earn the kind of money I do, while engaging in a very social occupation. My current post is in a little restaurant tucked away in a small city, which draws patrons from all over the globe. We combine great food, warm yet professional service, with "down home" touches. I will say that we are highly regarded, with a loyal clientelle base.
The majority of the patrons at our fine establishment are wonderful, a great mix of of people. We serve everyone from all "walks of life" - professionals, corporate executives, doctors, and local folks. For the most part, our crew receives excellent gratuities, and we come to know many of the patrons on a first name basis. That being said, regardless of the number of positive interactions you have, there is always going to be a pretentious asshole in the crowd, or a difficult patron that sticks in your mind. (Or the just plain stupid ones). There are also always going to be the "cheap tippers" that don't understand the fine balancing act it is to serve multiple tables - especially when we are juggling many roles...Door Greeter, Bartender, Bus Person, Order-taker, Server, Dessert Maker, and all-around Charmer! (You think a Circus Clown does a lot of juggling!)
Ours is a reciprocal relationship. And, yes, we do expect a good gratuity if we have done our job. If you can afford to come out to dinner, you can afford to leave an appropriate tip.
A tip is not a piece of paper you pull out of a fortune cookie!
Remember, if a waiter is burned once, they remember. If they receive a great tip, they also remember. I will tell you, even though we try to treat everyone as special...if you are known as a "good tipper", little extras seem to find the way to your table. It is funny how we remember the little things...your favourite drink, your favourite table, your favourite dessert (or just that you like that little extra dollop of whipped cream on the top!)
At the end of the evening, the "review" goes both ways...your review is the gratuity you leave, and our review is the way we talk about you...the way we remember you!
Advice for the Day:
In the restaurant world, the waiter and patron are in a reciprocal relationship - and the "review" is a two-way street.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
A Waiter Scorned
I bring your bread and butter...
You are my bread and butter...
Two facts we should all remember.
Trust me when I tell you that there is nothing worse than a waiter scorned. Of course, I am referring to a waiter that recieves a terrible tip (or a tip that might have been good in the late 50's), despite having provided excellent service.
Also, if you think that leaving a crappy tip will remain your dirty little secret, think again. We do talk about our tables...the good, the bad, and the ugly! In fact, we can get so bitter that we pick a notoriously bad tipping patron (having come to this conclusion after years of serving him or her), and we use his/her name as a phrase for representing when we get stiffed on a tip. So, for illustrative purposes only, if the worst tipper that comes into the restaurant is named Chadwick - then we subsequently say to other waiters "We just got Chadwicked!" any time we get a cheap tip. Do you want that to be your namesake? I think not!
Note: Chadwick was chosen at random for illustrative purposes...good waiters don't usually bash the patrons outside of their closely knit circle of co-workers.
Advice for the Day:
If you have had a pleasant meal, with a courteous and helpful waiter, LEAVE AN APPROPRIATE TIP! A tip for the year 2009, that is...not 1957!
You are my bread and butter...
Two facts we should all remember.
Trust me when I tell you that there is nothing worse than a waiter scorned. Of course, I am referring to a waiter that recieves a terrible tip (or a tip that might have been good in the late 50's), despite having provided excellent service.
Also, if you think that leaving a crappy tip will remain your dirty little secret, think again. We do talk about our tables...the good, the bad, and the ugly! In fact, we can get so bitter that we pick a notoriously bad tipping patron (having come to this conclusion after years of serving him or her), and we use his/her name as a phrase for representing when we get stiffed on a tip. So, for illustrative purposes only, if the worst tipper that comes into the restaurant is named Chadwick - then we subsequently say to other waiters "We just got Chadwicked!" any time we get a cheap tip. Do you want that to be your namesake? I think not!
Note: Chadwick was chosen at random for illustrative purposes...good waiters don't usually bash the patrons outside of their closely knit circle of co-workers.
Advice for the Day:
If you have had a pleasant meal, with a courteous and helpful waiter, LEAVE AN APPROPRIATE TIP! A tip for the year 2009, that is...not 1957!
There Really is No Cleaning Fairy
Waiter Pet Peeves...
Candy wrappers discarded on the floor. Come on people, I know that you are out for a good time when you go to a restaurant - but let me tell you, some of you are just slobs! What, do you think that there is some little cleaning fairy that runs around after you cleaning up your mess? Please! It might seem like it, but waiters are not magicians. We can't just crinkle our nose a-la-I Dream of Jeannie and POOF - all clean!
White linen napkins discarded on the plate in a pile of Marinara sauce. News flash - I know that you are finished your meal, but how rude of you to throw your napkin onto your plate. What - do they look like disposable paper napkins to you? Someone has to try to get those soiled napkins clean, you know! Maybe I should go to your house and stomp all over your linens with muddy boots. Perhaps it would help you gain a brain cell!
People incapable of synchronizing their orders.
Scenario: Waiter asks everyone at the table if they would like a drink, but only two people speak up. The waiter heads off to the bar to make it. Just as the waiter returns to the table with the two drinks, some fool invariably realizes that they wanted a drink as well. Worse yet, is when they want the same drink the waiter just brought to the table. Oh yes, waiters don't walk nearly enough miles in a given shift, they just relish the thought of making an extra trip just because you were too stupid to order it in the first place. Yes - good times!
People incapable of remembering what they ordered.
Scenario:
A waiter approaches the table, carrying food for another waiter. With hot plates in both hands, the waiter politely asks "And who ordered the veal piccata?" The waiter is met with a sea of blank stares. The waiter tries again "Who ordered the veal piccata with the potatoe and vegetable?" The waiter now realizes that in about five seconds, they are going to have third degree burns on their fingers...for the love of God, can't you people remember what you ordered? Oh...is that a light bulb I see turning on... One patron sitting at the table turns to the person to her left and says "Oh, isn't the veal piccata what you ordered?" As the dawn of recognition spreads across the face of the moron who can't remember what they ordered for dinner, the waiter is thinking "Don't worry - take you're f---king time! I love standing here with my fingers burning while you try to recall what you ordered!" So fun!
Advice for the Day:
Waiters are many things, but they are not... magicians, janitors or mind-readers.
Candy wrappers discarded on the floor. Come on people, I know that you are out for a good time when you go to a restaurant - but let me tell you, some of you are just slobs! What, do you think that there is some little cleaning fairy that runs around after you cleaning up your mess? Please! It might seem like it, but waiters are not magicians. We can't just crinkle our nose a-la-I Dream of Jeannie and POOF - all clean!
White linen napkins discarded on the plate in a pile of Marinara sauce. News flash - I know that you are finished your meal, but how rude of you to throw your napkin onto your plate. What - do they look like disposable paper napkins to you? Someone has to try to get those soiled napkins clean, you know! Maybe I should go to your house and stomp all over your linens with muddy boots. Perhaps it would help you gain a brain cell!
People incapable of synchronizing their orders.
Scenario: Waiter asks everyone at the table if they would like a drink, but only two people speak up. The waiter heads off to the bar to make it. Just as the waiter returns to the table with the two drinks, some fool invariably realizes that they wanted a drink as well. Worse yet, is when they want the same drink the waiter just brought to the table. Oh yes, waiters don't walk nearly enough miles in a given shift, they just relish the thought of making an extra trip just because you were too stupid to order it in the first place. Yes - good times!
People incapable of remembering what they ordered.
Scenario:
A waiter approaches the table, carrying food for another waiter. With hot plates in both hands, the waiter politely asks "And who ordered the veal piccata?" The waiter is met with a sea of blank stares. The waiter tries again "Who ordered the veal piccata with the potatoe and vegetable?" The waiter now realizes that in about five seconds, they are going to have third degree burns on their fingers...for the love of God, can't you people remember what you ordered? Oh...is that a light bulb I see turning on... One patron sitting at the table turns to the person to her left and says "Oh, isn't the veal piccata what you ordered?" As the dawn of recognition spreads across the face of the moron who can't remember what they ordered for dinner, the waiter is thinking "Don't worry - take you're f---king time! I love standing here with my fingers burning while you try to recall what you ordered!" So fun!
Advice for the Day:
Waiters are many things, but they are not... magicians, janitors or mind-readers.
Reservations About Reservations
5 signs you don't comprehend the concept of Reservations.
1. You call smack-dab in the busiest time of the evening for a reservation two months away. (Idiot! Try calling another time when I'm not juggling three plates and a room full of patrons.)
2. You call and ask "Should I make a reservation tonight". (Are you f---ing kidding me right now? Well, now I'm not a genius, but if you are planning on coming in for dinner, and you are wasting my time asking if you should make a reservation - why don't you JUST MAKE THE F---ING RESERVATION. Hello! Is anybody home?)
3. You know how to make the dinner reservation, but you don't know how to keep the dinner reservation. (Enough said.)
4. You think you have a reservation, but you don't know what name the reservation is under. (Moron, it takes time to go down the reservation list, narrow it down by time and number in the party, and then rhyme off the names until you finally recongize one! Like I've got nothing better to do.)
5. You know that you are early for a reservation, so you decide to have a drink at the bar while you are waiting for the rest of your party to arrive. Funny thing is, after 30 minutes you are still waiting. Hmmm. I wonder what the problem could be... You pick up your cell phone and call your friends wondering where they are and what is keeping them - only to find out that you have the WRONG RESTARUANT! (I think about taking my own life!)
Advice for the Day:
If you want to come in for dinner, and wish to reserve a table:
1. Make the reservation. Try to call when we aren't in the middle of the dinner rush. Actually making the reservation helps us to have adequate staff, and to set up your table in advance.
2. Know what time the reservation is, and under what name. It also helps to know the number in the party...and calling 1 hour before you are due to arrive to let us know that the party of 15 has now dwindled down to 6 people is not polite.
3. Keep the reservation. "No shows" are "No brains". We draw obscene pictures beside your name in the Reservation Book - for all the world to see. Take that!
1. You call smack-dab in the busiest time of the evening for a reservation two months away. (Idiot! Try calling another time when I'm not juggling three plates and a room full of patrons.)
2. You call and ask "Should I make a reservation tonight". (Are you f---ing kidding me right now? Well, now I'm not a genius, but if you are planning on coming in for dinner, and you are wasting my time asking if you should make a reservation - why don't you JUST MAKE THE F---ING RESERVATION. Hello! Is anybody home?)
3. You know how to make the dinner reservation, but you don't know how to keep the dinner reservation. (Enough said.)
4. You think you have a reservation, but you don't know what name the reservation is under. (Moron, it takes time to go down the reservation list, narrow it down by time and number in the party, and then rhyme off the names until you finally recongize one! Like I've got nothing better to do.)
5. You know that you are early for a reservation, so you decide to have a drink at the bar while you are waiting for the rest of your party to arrive. Funny thing is, after 30 minutes you are still waiting. Hmmm. I wonder what the problem could be... You pick up your cell phone and call your friends wondering where they are and what is keeping them - only to find out that you have the WRONG RESTARUANT! (I think about taking my own life!)
Advice for the Day:
If you want to come in for dinner, and wish to reserve a table:
1. Make the reservation. Try to call when we aren't in the middle of the dinner rush. Actually making the reservation helps us to have adequate staff, and to set up your table in advance.
2. Know what time the reservation is, and under what name. It also helps to know the number in the party...and calling 1 hour before you are due to arrive to let us know that the party of 15 has now dwindled down to 6 people is not polite.
3. Keep the reservation. "No shows" are "No brains". We draw obscene pictures beside your name in the Reservation Book - for all the world to see. Take that!
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